Right Here, Right Now

My family and I were just out of town for a sports tournament for my oldest daughter. On Saturday evening we went to the Vigil Mass at the Basilica in the downtown area. I always love going to different churches when we travel and this one I knew would be a special treat since it was a Basilica, which is a title of honor given to a church based upon its antiquity or its role as an international center of worship. Basilica’s are typically very ornate in which each detail of the beauty of its architecture and artistry is intentionally there to lift the soul up to heavenly worship. As physical beings, the physical world can be such an important way to aid in our worship of God. While some would argue that the money spent on Basilicas should be spent on the poor, we must remember that these buildings are not meant for only bishops and priests to enjoy, but they are for everyone, both rich and poor alike. All are welcome to enter into a Basilica to marvel at its grandeur and be inspired to awe of the Glory of God in which it reflects.

For me personally, I was so excited to attend a mass in a beautiful cathedral. I was also looking forward to a traditional liturgy that would lift up my soul in worship. I’d like to preface this with the fact that our local parish is modern, with no stained glass and auditorium style seating. So for my family walking into the Basilica was a huge difference. There was a reverence that I have not seen in my children before. Once we got into the pew, they were looking all around at the beauty of the church. There is something to be said about the difference in how you feel walking into a cathedral and how you feel walking into a modern church. There is a basic human response that is felt inherently upon entering a beautiful, grand building. It is important that our churches be set apart. That they be something other than what we find in the world. The church is where we worship God. It is a sacred space and should reflect that in every aspect. To enter a church and be swept away by the beauty and grandeur of the space, before the liturgy even begins, is good preparation for mass.

Initially upon entering the Basilica my youngest son, who has up to this point been a very fidgety and loud mass-goer, was also overcome with awe. He actually began singing “Alleluia, Alleluia” in an attempt to sing with the choir before mass. Although, it didn’t take him long to want to get up and walk around and so as he began being really loud, I found myself in the back of the church in the narthex with him before mass even started. My toddler proceeded to throw a fit as I wrestled him in my arms and thought to myself how this was going to be a really long mass. The thought also crossed my mind that I was going to miss this beautiful liturgy and miss sitting in the beautiful basilica that evening, but I tried to quickly dismiss that thought in order to make the best of it.

Mass started and by the time we got to the Gospel my son had settled a bit, but was still in my arms for fear of him running up the stairs to the choir loft. Once the Gospel began to be proclaimed, I realized that this exact same scripture passage, without having known it was the Sunday Gospel, came to my mind in prayer that very morning.

Jesus summoned the Twelve and began to send them out two by two
and gave them authority over unclean spirits. 
He instructed them to take nothing for the journey
but a walking stick—
no food, no sack, no money in their belts. 
They were, however, to wear sandals
but not a second tunic. 
He said to them,
“Wherever you enter a house, stay there until you leave. 
Whatever place does not welcome you or listen to you,
leave there and shake the dust off your feet
in testimony against them.” 
So they went off and preached repentance. 
The Twelve drove out many demons,
and they anointed with oil many who were sick and cured them.

Mark 6:7-13

As I listened to the words being proclaimed, I was remembering how I spent the morning reading and reflecting on this same passage and what it meant for me. You see, I have been working on surrendering all to the Lord. This is one of those things that is always easier said than done. When I actually begin praying for this, asking the Lord to help me surrender all to the Will of God, things began to radically change in my life. I went from thinking I was doing so well in the spiritual life, to realizing that I have been so, so blind to my own faults. Needless to say, this has been a major process that has been so very humbling. But the Lord in his goodness has been so gentle with me. As He has been showing me my hidden faults, things I truly did not know that I was doing or thinking, but that are in fact sinful and divisive, the Lord has also been consistently there to comfort and inspire me. While all of this has been so hard, it has also been so freeing. Now that I am finally bringing these sinful habits to the confessional, things that the Lord has seen in me, but that I couldn’t see in myself, I am entering more deeply into the Heart of Christ. Self-knowledge has been the key to my learning how to surrender more fully to the Lord.

In my reflecting that morning in prayer, I was shown myself walking toward a warm glowing light. My arms were at my side and I was being drawn by the light to walk toward it. I remember thinking that I cannot move my arms. They were at my side and my hands were empty. I recognized that there was a desire there to be doing something with my arms, but I couldn’t. As I sat with this, I began to realize that the Lord wanted me to follow Him more freely. Without carrying anything in my arms. With completely empty hands. For me specifically, this means I need to abandon all the ways that I am trying to do my will in following Christ. All the ways I am trying to control my gifts. All the ways I try to take the lead on things, instead of letting the Holy Spirit draw me forward. I understood this to mean that Christ wanted me to trust in Him. He wanted me to surrender completely and to not carry anything with me on my journey. Christ also desires that I wait for Him. I often try to fix or control things without waiting on the Holy Spirit. Similarly, I can tend to take over once the Holy Spirit inspires me to something, leaving the Spirit in the dust as I go on with my own ideas, my own agenda, and my own plans. In both of these areas, the Lord wants me to trust in Him and to only do what the Lord is calling me to do, nothing else. I realized that this meant I needed to be in tune with the Holy Spirit, so that I could become a better listener to the Spirit’s promptings, as well as lean into the movement of the Spirit, so that I could follow that glowing light, carrying nothing of my own with me for the journey.

But for thee, O Lord, do I wait;
    it is thou, O Lord my God, who wilt answer.

Psalm 38:15

While still in the narthex of the Basilica, the offertory song began and my son began singing again. This was the sweetest most beautiful song that was coming from his soul. As he tried to mimic the choir, I could tell that he knew what he was singing was special. It was holy. His whole demeanor changed and I knew I could put him down to kneel down beside me for the Eucharistic prayers. As he knelt beside me and I instructed him in the responses, I understood that I was exactly where the Lord wanted me to be. Right there in the back of the church, next to my toddler, ministering to him. The beauty of the Basilica and the liturgy could not compare to these precious moments that I had with my son that evening. This is the holiness of motherhood. Complete surrender to the Will of God in each and every small moment. With each interaction, with each child, with each and every act of self-sacrifice, the Lord is near. He desires my sacrifice of love for my child, more than any holy devotion I may pray in the church.

God desires to save me through my vocation as wife and mother. So often I think that if only I had more time to pray, more time to write or do bible studies, I would be able to grow spiritually. But the Lord taught me this weekend that He will never abandon me, especially when I am choosing the ministry of my family first. All that I had missed, the homily, the liturgy, the beauty of the Basilica, was redeemed in the time I spent with my son in the narthex. The Lord had already give me a personal homily that morning in prayer. Then He allowed me the opportunity give my love of the liturgy to my son by teaching him the gestures and the responses of the mass. And most importantly, He showed me that the beauty of my son, who was made in the image and likeness of God and was given to me as a pure gift of love, was far greater than the beauty of any Basilica.