A Lesson In Waiting

Trust in him, and he will help you;
    make your ways straight, and hope in him.
You who fear the Lord, wait for his mercy;
    do not stray, or else you may fall.
You who fear the Lord, trust in him,
    and your reward will not be lost.

Sirach 2:6-8

Have you ever been excited about the possibility of something new, something fulfilling, something you know you were made for?  That is how I felt the past few weeks interviewing for a job in ministry.  Though I know my primary vocation is to be a wife and a mother, I also work full-time from home in administration. My current position is in the secular world so when the possibility of working in ministry opened up I was so excited to think of the possibilities of using my talents in a more direct way for the Kingdom of God.  During the interview process I loved the position and the people I came into contact with.  It seemed like a perfect fit.  But then, I went to take it to prayer and ask the Lord and I was surprised by His answer.  The Lord told me to wait.

I want to share this story with you because one of the things I struggle with is pride.  And it was in this moment of prayer with the Lord that it became clear to me that my desires, even my spiritual ones, can sometimes get in the way of God’s perfection of me.  It was a very humbling experience.  I have been guilty many times in my life of getting caught up in what I think is right, rather than asking God what it is He actually wants for me.  I have often been convinced of my own perfect path, and I miss that God has something much more perfect in mind for me.

As the interview process went on, I was meeting with and talking to some of the most incredible people. With each new person I met with, I was seeing how my gifts and charisms would be a perfect fit for their mission. I was also beginning to understand how my last couple years of my current job were almost like preparation for this new job. The new projects I worked on in the previous two years were exactly what this new job entailed. In my mind, all the signs were pointing toward this most perfect scenario.

In my prayer and discernment, I was praying that God would either bless it or block it. I wanted to surrender this situation to God, so that His will would be done. But I honestly still thought I knew His will already because switching to this new job made so much sense and it seemed to be a perfect fit for me. 

It is actually the last few days of this interview process that I want to go into more detail about. The job was going to require me to be on site, instead of working from home. With this, the solution my husband and I came up with was to have our youngest son who just turned 3 to enroll in the preschool on the same campus, so that I could work on campus part time while he was in preschool. This was a great solution and the preschool he would be enrolled in would be a wonderful experience for him. 

The day before my final interview, I took my son to the school to be assessed for preschool. Long story short, my son was not ready for their preschool just yet. He turned 3 only a few days prior and had never been exposed to a classroom or mothers day out program before. The news of this came via a phone call the next morning, the day of my final interview. I was disappointed, but still hopeful that we could work something out, that some solution would present itself since all of the other details of the job seemed to be aligning perfectly. 

I went to the interview and realized even more so how perfect I would be for the job. I left the interview feeling very confident and I was completely sold that this was the job for me. When my husband and I began to talk through the details, including what we were going to do with my son, I started to get very conflicted. The job itself seemed so perfect and all that I had desired for myself in it was going to be fulfilled. Why would this not be God’s will? But what was I going to do with my son? I quickly realized I needed to go sit with the Lord in prayer and work through all of these details, so that God could give me a solution I hadn’t thought of for my son. While this was what I wanted from God, this is not what I received. He actually ended up giving me something else, something more beautiful and absolutely perfect.

I walked into adoration and as I knelt down, I didn’t even begin to start praying before God spoke very clearly into my heart and said, “it’s not the right time”. I immediately stopped in my tracks. My heart kind of sunk and I experienced true humility. This message from God was certainly not what I wanted to hear, but I stayed with it and entered into conversation with Him about it. I began to understand that my son and my family, my vocation, was my top priority. I began to see that by giving up this opportunity to work this incredible job in ministry, I would be making a sacrifice of true love for all of my children. The Lord showed me how this job would mean I wouldn’t have the flexibility of my current job and although I would be working in ministry, He made me realize that I could still use my gifts and charisms in my current job. 

I went back and forth with the Lord for a bit on all this and with each new insight that I received I began to feel more and more at peace with what He was calling me to do. I sat down and opened a bible at random and I opened to the story of the Good Samaritan. As I read this story, I realized that my gifts and charisms were to be used for every single person I encountered. They were not to be saved for working in ministry. My life was ministry and no matter who I came across, each person was a child of God. The people in my current job deserved for me to bring Christ to them just as much as the people I would encounter in this new job. Both missions were worthy of God’s love and mercy. 

When I left the church that evening, I felt so much peace with this decision. I realized how clouded my discernment had become because of my own desires. The Lord so lovingly showed me how I fell into justifying my own desires. He showed me how my ego got in the way of my primary mission, which was my vocation. He showed me that I was being exclusive when it came to the charity with which I used my gifts. I have no doubt that the Lord has something to teach me in all this through both my vocation, as well as in my secular job. 

I arrived home and told my husband that I was pretty sure I should no longer pursue the new job any further. I was convinced that it was not the right time and that I should stay where I was for at least another year. Even though he had been encouraging me all along to pursue this job opportunity, he was actually very understanding when I came to him with this new discernment. 

Then as if the Lord wasn’t already kind enough, He then gave me an even greater gift. I went over to my 3 year old son and looked into his eyes to say hello when the most amazing thing happened, which is actually hard to put into words. As I looked into his eyes, it was as if God allowed me to see all of time and creation within the soul of my own son. It was a pretty powerful experience and I was moved to tears. It became very clear to me at that moment that my children are my ministry. For me to minister to them is enough. My husband and children are perfectly crafted for me, as I am for them. I didn’t need to search for ministry outside of my own home. My vocation as wife and mother is what will make me holy, if only I will let it. 

As I look back on these past few days, I am in awe of how incredible the Lord is. His timing is truly perfect. His willingness to lead us is so true, but we must be open to letting Him do it. For me, I was dangerously close to being so closed off to God’s will that I almost missed it. My prayer to bless it or block it was actually answered when we found out my son was not ready for preschool. And because of my focus on what I desired, I almost missed what God desired for me. Even though what God wanted for me was different from what I desired, I had been given the gift to be able to see that God’s will is actually more perfect than I could have ever imagined for myself. We must always be open to waiting for His direction in our lives.

I truly believe that this is a truth that needs to be screamed from the mountaintops. God desires what is absolutely perfect for us. We may think what we desire is pure and holy, but it can never be unless it is His will. This may seem like a disappointment for us, especially since our desires are so much a part of who we are. If we would only trust in God. If we would only believe that He knows what is best for us. If we would only believe that He can actually redeem our desires and transform them into His own.  If we would only believe that He can bring us peace in disappointment and that His peace is so much more powerful and good than anything we would experience by our own desires being fulfilled. 

I learned something really valuable in this experience; the importance of waiting for the Lord, especially when we don’t get an answer from Him immediately. Instead of continuing to cater to our own desires, we can simply choose to wait. In the waiting, our hearts begin to soften and open up to the will of God. In the waiting we imitate Mary, who never did anything before the Holy Spirit prompted her. In the waiting we grow in faith and trust, so that when the Lord does provide us with a clear direction, we are open to receiving the message.