Begin To Be Afraid

The Lord has been teaching me a lot about fear lately. This has not been an academic or scientific teaching on fear, but more of a spiritual one. I have been faced a lot lately with both rational and irrational fears and I can tell you that it has been really hard to navigate what is the best thing to do when fear sets in. The gospel reading today talks about fear and a few things struck me about what brought about fear for the apostles.

When it was evening, the disciples of Jesus went down to the sea, embarked in a boat, and went across the sea to Capernaum. It had already grown dark, and Jesus had not yet come to them. The sea was stirred up because a strong wind was blowing. When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they began to be afraid. But he said to them, “It is I. Do not be afraid.” They wanted to take him into the boat, but the boat immediately arrived at the shore to which they were heading.

John 6:16-21

There was a lot going on before the apostles see Jesus walking on the water. They were on a boat in the sea, it was dark, the sea was stirred up due to a strong wind, and Jesus was not with them. They row for three to four miles in these conditions (probably in circles) and there is no mention of them being afraid or worried in any way. Then Jesus comes walking on the water and they “began to be afraid.” All the elements of their circumstance before Jesus arrives seem to be things that would make the human heart afraid. I don’t know about you, but being in a boat in the dark on the sea during a strong wind would be terrifying. How did they know which way they were going in the darkness? How did they keep from capsizing in the wind? And yet the apostles were not afraid of the darkness nor the wind.

How many times in my own life have I been numb to my circumstances? Sometimes when I have suffered something for a long period of time, I end up learning to live with it, to become complacent. It is like the suffering becomes part of who I am and it doesn’t seem to bother me anymore. Other times I can be focused on how well equipped I am to handle the circumstances of my life that I don’t really feel the need for Jesus. In both of these situations, I successfully ward off the fear that should be appropriately felt. I become complacent, thinking this way of living is good enough, leading me to doubt God’s goodness and his power to help me. I begin to believe that this is all that God wants for me. I end up being ok with just surviving, instead of actually living life and living it to the fullness of what God desires for me.

During these times I end up finding a certain sense of comfort in the lack of fear. It is easier to not feel the fear, than it is to feel it because feeling it leads to extreme uncertainty. In a sense, I operate from a place of having given up the fight. Like the apostles on the sea, I will continue rowing in circles for three to four miles and never once think to call out to Jesus for help. I will remain in the darkness and the wind and not be terrified of getting lost or capsizing the boat.

We tend to think of fear as something that is only negative. In reality fear is neutral. Fear is useful to us when we are in danger, it motivates us to take action. Sometimes fear is used for good, as it leads us to move away from danger and to humbly submit ourselves to God, but other times fear is used against us, as the enemy convinces us to run away from the One who is walking toward us on the water. The miraculous presence of Jesus is something to be feared. Fear of the Lord is a gift of the Holy Spirit. It is oriented toward God and is a special gift used for our salvation.

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.

Proverbs 9:10

When I lose hope in my situation being any better than it is, I will certainly be afraid when Jesus comes walking toward me on the water – doing the impossible. Fear of the Lord is righteous. To see Jesus defying nature, to see him as the one who has power over all of creation, evokes holy fear in me. It sets aflame my heart to a deeper faith. It restores hope in a hopeless situation. It makes me actually feel when I have become complacent and numb, which can be scary, but is always good for me.

Change is hard, especially when I am comfortable. Even though I may be in a tough situation that I want out of, when I see that change is on the horizon, I can sometimes tend to avoid it because of the fear that it evokes in me. As a result, I become comfortable in my suffering so as to not experience the fear of what it will take to be healed. There is a false sense of security that I experience in the suffering, I know what to expect it, but when Jesus comes to heal, there is uncertainty and this can lead me to run away in fear.

We have a choice when we experience fear: fear can make us run away from the healing presence of Jesus, or it can bring us closer to him as we trust in him evermore, fear can keep us locked up in our circumstances or it can free us to be who we were created to be, fear can move us away from what God truly wants for us, or it can humble us and lead us to choose God’s will over our own will. We needn’t be afraid of fear, for fear leads us to a better understanding of who we are and who God is.

“Do you know who you are and who I am? If you know these two things, you will be blessed and the Enemy will never deceive you. I am He who is; and you are she who is not.”

Jesus to St Catherine of Siena

“Do you know who you are and who I am? If you know these two things, you will be blessed and the Enemy will never deceive you. I am He who is; and you are she who is not.”

Jesus to St Catherine of Siena